2/26/09: Invasion U.S.A.

Chuck goes to work.

Chuck goes to work.

Better batten down the hatches, cuz Chuck Norris is coming, and you don’t wanna be caught off guard.  While I definitely enjoyed Red Dawn, especially its metaphor for Big Ten sports, I think we can all agree that there was some room for improvement, perhaps most of all in acting.    

Enter the 1997 winner of the prestigious Lone Star Film & Television Awards© Texas Legend® Award.  We jammed with him in Code of Silence.  We had that special feeling about The Octagon.  And now, we stop some god damn terrorists with him in Invasion USA.  Oh yeah, I went there.

2/19/09: Crimson Tide


crimson_tideHow much money would it take today to bring together Royal TenenbaumJohn CreasyAragorn, and Tony Soprano, all under the helm of the guy who made a certain masterpiece of cinema?  Oh, and don’t forget the composer, who, out of the hundreds who’ve tried, is probably the greatest at ripping off Wagner.*  It really doesn’t matter, though, because we know that it was affordable in 1995, and now we get to reap the benefits.  The only thing I don’t understand is how Ed Harris didn’t make it in there somehow.  Oh, well. 

This was the first R-rated movie I saw in theaters, and after watching the trailer, I think it holds up pretty well.  I discourage you from watching said trailer if you haven’t seen the movie, because like every action movie trailer from the ’90s, it gives away the entire plot.  Hal Douglas does bring his A-game, though.


*If that Wagner joke threw you off, go here, skip to 1:27, and compare with the “Crimson Tide” Melody.  That horn call plays every time the character Siegfried appears in the Ring cycle of operas, 18 hours of music that is either among the most inspiring achievements in human history, a preemptive justification for the holocaust, or just a very, very large amount of boring music, depending on your point of view.

2/12/09: Desperado

"No! It's too sexy!""But I must." 


"No, Antonio! It's too sexy!" "But I must."

This week’s pick was for a long while shrouded in mystery, but that should be no reason for frustration.  Smug Bastard transcends individual movies; it is the glow that we bask in, a light emanating from fundamental principles that can never get dated.  Power.  Skill.  Manship.  Mild Sauce.

As anyone who’s tried to procure a movie at a south side rental store knows, the selection can be very frustrating.  That I avoided both Ice Cube and Raven Symone was an admirable feat.  And now, the movie.

Let me get the first criticism out of the way: Desperado is a good movie.  Robert Rodriguez has made some stinkers, but this one is legit.  However, there’s plenty to enjoy that wasn’t intended: Tarantino trying to act, some terrible mustaches, Cheech, and a bad guy-second in command relationship that brings more sexual tension than a Bruce Pearl interview.  We also get Salma Hayek, who–while certainly no slouch today–nearly caused my 17-year-old head to explode when I first saw the sex scene that will have smug bastards everywhere crossing their legs to avoid showing their broners.

I, on the other hand, will be wearing sweatpants.



The movie is not this artsy.

The movie is not this artsy.

It’s midterm week, and let’s just say I’m not taking it well.  I’m writing this to you midway through a vintage, 2005-quality Sack Dadcock all-nighter during which far more time has been devoted to the #16 class in the country than my Business Ethics class.  It’ll all be over soon, though, and with all the more enthusiasm will I raise my sMUG of brew.

This week’s selection comes from his smugness the Rode Dog, who fondly remembered sneaking into his very first R-Rated movie.  I got worked up just watching the trailer.  Made ya look!  This is the real one, which actually is sweet and doesn’t involve the oh-so-hatable winner of the pussy lottery.  Basically We’ve got an early-’90s reverse John Q situation with the best Batman ever (certainly in terms of anger management) and the only guy who earned his paycheck for Godfather III.  What’s not to love?
Let’s not take a fucking minute, let’s go again,